This Could SAVE Your (Future) Marriage | Jordan Peterson Answers on What a Divorce Really Means

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64 Comments on “This Could SAVE Your (Future) Marriage | Jordan Peterson Answers on What a Divorce Really Means”

  1. It’s certainly true that you need to be committed and not bail out of marriage at the slightest issue.

    Yet that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t divorce ever. When you realize that your spouse is psychologically harmful for your children, a divorce is the lesser evil for sure. Staying married with a toxic/narcissistic/psychopathic person will ruin your children. And if you do, your children will pay a price so high you cannot even imagine. And your children will always resent you for it.

    1. Do you think it’s more likely you married an actual psychopath or that people will convince themselves of almost anything to justify not doing the hard thing that’s admitting your flaws and working thriugh them with your partner

    2. @Amir Koren I believe that this is the case often. These days you hear it all of the time: “my partner was a narcissist”
      It’s used like “Idiot”, everyone’s one except the person talking of course 😉

  2. I have to respectfully disagree. There is an exception to every rule. We have a right to protect ourselves from evil and harm. We have right for life. And sometimes, there is the situation when divorce is better than stay in. And it is much more difficult to leave the abusive spouse. False hope. False sense of love. Marriage is very important. And we should protect and promote healthy relationships. Be well all! God bless.

    1. Although not addressed in this clip, Jordan is on other snippets quite specific on the fact that some things _are_ a valid reason for divorce, abuse is one of them.

    2. You can also live separately for a while without being divorced. It’s even an explicit option from side of the Church. No need to stay within the reach of the destructive person. This option saved a friend’s parents’ marriage. He got addicted to alcohol. She told him she would leave but come back if he gets himself together. He went to rehab and after a year they are back together.

    3. I agree with you, life is inherently traumatizing. Sometimes staying bound to another person’s dysfunction accompanied with a variety of factors outside of one’s control can take a toll on a person. It’s not inherently noble to endure hardship for the idea of a subjective boundary like a “marriage” or a “relationship”. It’s always sad to leave someone you care about. If you can’t love someone anymore or in the way they deserve you should leave.

  3. Thanks Jordan P. I totally get what you are saying and agree. When we choose to focus on the egoic world, deny ourselves to use the power within, that’s the result.
    It’s a bit difficult subject to conclude what’s right or not. Why some works not others.

    The challenge and divorce reasons vary why people got married,, what their expectations and intentions are. Most importantly where they are in life (looking inwardly or outwardly).
    Inwardly sees beyond behaviors; just love
    Outwardly sees behaviors & defensiveness, and wasting time on passing and petty things
    God bless. Thank you. Love you.

  4. This was my first marriage. It imploded when both my parents died and I was going to therapy for depression trying to pull myself out of a dark place. Right then I was abandoned. It was horrible.

    1. So very sorry. I was in a similar situation many years ago with a major loss piled upon previous ones.I do hope you found light in your life again and were able to build strength from within.

  5. Yes, vowing to stick together “for better or for worse” makes a big difference in feeling free in the relationship. Before I agreed to take those vows, I did put one condition, though: It was that there would be No physical abuse. Thankfully, that was honored.

    1. @Fresia Maldonado Fresia, Some men don’t understand what “to honor” means—it is in the traditional marriage vows. Maybe vows need to be tweaked a tad bit so they are very specific about No Violence/physical abuse being allowed. Blessings in return 👋

    2. Most people marry for the wrong reason, & that is why the world is flooded with dysfunctional families all over the globe. True love, never ends.

    1. @The Custodian you have to get out of this mindset. get a girl who pushes you just as much as you push her. become better together. there are tons of high-achieving women today along with high-achieving men. there are also many age 50+ men past their primes, hate-filled, fat, and out of shape, as you describe. So don’t worry about the people not worth your time and focus on finding someone who motivates and pushes you to become better while you do the same to her. build an amazing life out together. make sure each of you never fall out of shape, never lose ambition, and stay strong through the ups and downs.

    2. @Primoh What mindset? I was just pointing out why so many women cant get good men and nothing more.

      Sure, there are lots of good women out there and men too. the problem is they are either already taken or they have taken themselves off the market due to the problems that come with my first post.

  6. As a divorced person I totally concur. Much as I never miss my husband of 25 years, I never expected the effect divorce had on children that I wrongly thought were adults.

  7. My husband and I agreed that divorce was never an option . We’ve been married for 40yrs . Sadly we got covid and he didn’t survive it . I’m broken hearted .
    We had to work through a lot of things. I had been abused and that had a lot of baggage to work through . It has been awesome .

    1. This is an inspiring story of marriage. It helped to hear that those marriages exist. The hardest to work through is betrayal and baggage of trauma and abuse that is brought to the relationship but isn’t the new spouses fault. It’s so hard.
      I am very sorry that your husband has passed away. I can imagine the heartache and loneliness it is causing you. I hope you have a great familial support system at your side. ❤️🙏🏼

    2. @NASH Thank you , I have one daughter who is local . She helps me as much as she can. She has her own situations going on right now. I’m trying to support her in that. I do have a loving and supportive church family , they have been wonderful . God is good .. he always has been and I know He will be faithful and continue to walk with me .
      Our marriage was hard at times , but we determined to live each other even if we didn’t like each other at the time. God worked in us and healed those times . Just so sad to have lost my love , the husband of my youth … and all the years after that 🙂

  8. This attitude kept me in a very unhealthy dynamic for 24 years. People were warning me left, right, and center, and I remained loyal…. Until I was diagnosed with two incurable conditions that severely impact life-span. I was dying from the inside out, and he kept prioritizing himself.
    Now that I have left, I am much healthier, physically, mentally, emotionally, and a much better mother to my small children. Their trauma from the separation is minimal, because they have only ever known dysfunction. Now they have two homes, of which one is actually healthy where they can be loved children with healthy boundaries.

    1. I stayed 5 years too long for those same reasons. I married for life. It took an intervention with my family telling me I’m in an abusive relationship before I even entertained the thought of leaving. I don’t feel guilty for not staying anymore. I feel bad for making the wrong choice in who I married. That’s all. Sad for my kids who don’t get a good father and that they don’t have a two parent household. But we are actually better for getting out. I still think taking marriage vows seriously is right, and so is making sure you marry the right person…& if abuse is a part of it, it’s ok to leave because those vows were broken by the abuse.

    2. Angel – I am glad you did. When even his own mother told me that she would support my decision if I were to leave her son, alarm bells went off, but I still worked towards healing what I thought was broken… not even knowing what. The abuse indeed cancelled wedding vows, and it’ll be dangerously irresponsible for me to role-model victimhood to my kids and enabling them to became Narcs and co-dependents, which I am already seeing traits of…

    3. @Eva Berriman I’m glad you did too Eva. 🙂 . We learn so much in this life. Sometimes we learn things that end up harmful and have to relearn or unlearn to get to better.

      He has a good point but that doesn’t mean you stay in those harmful situations.

    4. Warning you about what? What was the relationship between those warnings and your 2 incurable conditions? What are you actually even talking about? The only thing I can gather from your narrative is that your ex was a selfish person, and even that is a leap.

  9. I would love to have had a normal fighting marriage….I was married 20 years to my children’s father…didn’t cheat…he came home to happy…clean loving children and spouse..a beautiful clean home and great meals…I was kind..affectionate and available. Took me years to figure out why my love didn’t work …he is a narcissist….saw my kindness as weakness…..his world was about control. I always say ..”We had a lot in common..we were both madly in love with him”….living with a narc is tragic…and it doesn’t end with divorce..he turned my grown children against me…because they forget..I hope it never happens with my grandkids

    1. Same here, not all marriages should be saved if you are in a toxic relationship. I’m so sad you had to endure this for 20 years. I’m divorced after 10 years to a covert Narcissist. It almost cost me my mental health. I was accomplished and well liked outside the home but could do nothing right at home. You go from being their everything to being their mental punching bag with no closure or explanation. Once you’re out be your best version of yourself, it comes easily, they will try and bring you down but go grey rock and show them no emotion.

  10. I agree with him and he does mention exceptions. There are always exceptions! Emotional & physical abuse & addiction issues are the exceptions. But when you look at the OVERALL data, how women fare, especially, after divorce, is rough. Too, Professionally and personally, I have seen wonderful step parent situations, but I have seen more professionally awful step parents.

    We put kids through too much, too much fighting, too much instability. They need constancy, structure, support, & love.

    After 42 years of marriage, I did divorce, and I am glad I waited. My 3 children needed our marriage. Even the divorce was hard for them when they were full grown adults.

    My ex and I are friends and we each have great partners for each other now. Our kids deserve that.

    When Peterson says, why not spend the time working on the issues, I agree! I would have like to have done that! We did not have the skills or tools to work things out. I am a relationship coach now & mediator and definitely learned big time from all my mistakes. Doing okay now, but needed a lot more therapeutic support at the time to continue the marriage.

  11. This is 100% accurate. My parents divorced when I was 11. My life went downhill from there…fast. I sometimes daydream about what life might have been like if they tried just a little bit harder and tried really looking far into the future on the effect it would have on their kids in life. I was a very smart kid, talented in almost everything I touched. Through the pain of abandonment and my foundation being pulled from under me, I started drinking. I became a severe alcoholic to deal with my pain, it’s cost me nearly everything valuable in my life. I’ve gone down some very dark paths I probably would never have walked otherwise. I’m almost 40 now, broke and a criminal with 4 kids. It’s very hard to carry on some days. But I always think back to how I might have tuned out or what decisions I would have made differently if I wasn’t so consumed by pain and let it consume my life. I wonder…

    1. You don’t have to wonder. Your past doesn’t define your future and if you have the will you can make the changes you need. Check into a detox clinic and get started on being the man your parents weren’t.

    2. Past is done brother, don’t worry everything is gonna be alright, Actually I also had parents who had divorce when I was 15 years old but I was in hostel at that time I my sister and brother we suffered the trauma and abuse in our family I have been there and experienced that situation and I know how it feels and just wished if things were different. But unfortunately when we went to Christmas holidays and other vacation to our parents from our hostel school we saw how our parents they fought and abused each other and due to which my father became heavy drunker and because of which we became so insecure and now I’m 32 and not yet married but I have learnt many good things in life I have never touched alcohol because it destroyed our family and I have a more compassion towards others I know how it feels and now this year I will get married but I will make sure my children won’t go through what I and my siblings went through since childhood.

  12. I agree that my life has been so hard since divorcing my husband 40 years ago, but I wouldn’t have made it staying with him, emotional abuse is worse then physical abuse. But I do understand your perspective, I did stay for a year after he tried to shot himself in front of our four year old, that was the longest year of my life, I left him without using a solicitor, we worked it out between us, he actually spent more time with his daughter after our divorce! He wasn’t interested in her when we were married.

    1. Well, it seems like you made the right choice. I cannot congratulate you on something like this, but I’m happy to hear that the overall situation has improved.

  13. Always move with compassion and wanting to come to an understanding. Its us against the issue, we must problem solve together. Lead with love, healing needs to be the goal for both. It isn’t all face value, there is a past that lead to the way we see and move through the world. A relationship needs to be a place of acceptance where we help each other grow, there is no win in actively tearing or talking someone down. Amen.

  14. I agree with what he says and we need to hear this because its valuable. At the same time he is forgeting that some people are terribly abused in their marriages.
    I live in India where divorce is not acepted. I have seen some people that they really get beaten and they have no way to get out of that abuse.
    Comitment is important but you shouldn,’t forget about your well being because of it

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